REDEEMED: Marriages (Missional)

[Read Ephesians 5:22-33] 

I think our culture has made a fundamental misunderstanding of marriage and that misunderstanding has infected every single one of us. Our culture has made marriage all about us. Many people think about marriage only along these lines. They think: I need to find someone to marry that meets my needs. I need to find someone to marry who meets my desires. I need to find someone to marry who solves my struggle with loneliness. I need to find someone who is a perfect fit for me. It’s all me, me, me, me. 

And I think this is a major reason why our marriages are so broken in our culture. Because we think marriage is all about “me,” the moment a marriage is no longer about “me” people leave. The moment the marriage is no longer meeting their needs or their desires or solving their loneliness or no longer feels like a “fit,” they leave and begin looking for someone else who will meet those needs. That’s why we see divorce after divorce, broken marriage after broken marriage. 

But what if this is all wrong? What if marriage isn’t about you? What if marriage was designed to be about something else—to point to something else? Would that change the way you look for a spouse? Would that change the way you treat your spouse right now? Would that change the way you interact with one another? Would it change the way you speak to one another? Would it change the way you make decisions? 

I know that many people get hung up on certain parts of our passage this morning—mainly the part about submission—and I think that has blinded many people from seeing the incredible beauty of this passage. So, I don’t want to focus on any of the “controversial” parts this morning. I’m just going to focus on the beautiful underlying principles. 

And the primary principle I want us to take away from this passage is that marriage is not about us. Marriage is about Christ and the Church. It’s clearly stated throughout the beginning of this passage: “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,” (Ephesians 5:22–25, ESV). It’s clear, isn’t it? The relationship between a husband and a wife is supposed to look like the relationship between Christ and the Church. And to take that even deeper, the relationship between a husband and wife is based upon something deeper than themselves—it’s based on the relationship between Christ and the Church. It’s not just supposed to look like it, but the relationship itself flows from the relationship between Christ and the Church. That’s why Tim Keller says, “When God invented marriage, he already had the saving work of Jesus in mind.” (The Meaning of Marriage, 47).

Then, once we understand that principle, we are led to understand another important principle. I’ll let Tim Keller explain it again. He says, “The gospel of Jesus and marriage explain one another.” (The Meaning of Marriage, 47). The gospel is all about the love of Jesus Christ for the Church and, in some ways, marriage is about the love of the husband for his wife. And these two things are to point back and forth to each other. The gospel is supposed to shape the way we function in our marriages. But the opposite is also true. Our marriages are to reflect the love of Christ for His Church. To say it another way, our marriages are to point people to the gospel. 

Once we understand that, we should see that our marriages aren’t about us. Our marriages are about pointing people to Christ and the gospel. The way we love our spouse should point people to the gospel. The way we make decisions as a couple should point people to the gospel. The way we speak to one another and treat one another should point people to the gospel. 

And, to say this differently and to ratchet the seriousness up a notch, our marriages are always pointing to the gospel. They are either preaching the true gospel OR they are preaching a false gospel. But let’s not fool ourselves, our marriages are always preaching some gospel. The question is: which gospel is it preaching?

Since we’re through the Broken section of this series, I’m not going to focus on the ways our marriages preach a false gospel. I’m going to focus on ways our marriages can preach the true gospel. And the way I want to begin that conversation is by spending some time looking at the way this passage describes Christ’s love for his church.

The first part is widely known but important to emphasize over and over again. Christ loved his church by laying down his life for the church. However, it’s important to recognize the way this passage describes what he did. It says, “…as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,” (Ephesians 5:25, ESV). He gave himself up for her. That’s important because it points beyond his death. Jesus didn’t just die for his church, he also lived for his church and he rose again for his church. So, when this passage describes Christ giving himself for the church, I think it’s talking about much more than just dying. I think it’s saying that Jesus Christ lived for the church, died for the church, and rose again for the church. He gave everything for the church. 

Our passage goes on to explain why he did that. On the one hand, some would say that’s an easy question: Jesus did this because he loved the church. That’s true, but that’s answering a different why. Our passage this morning is talking about what Jesus wanted to accomplish through this giving of himself. When he gave himself for the church, what did he want to accomplish in the church?

Here’s the answer: “that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word…that she might be holy and without blemish.” (Ephesians 5:26–27, ESV). Jesus gave his life, his death, and his resurrection so that the church would be cleansed, washed, without blemish—which means holy and sanctified (sanctified means being made holy). That’s why Jesus gave himself so that the church would be free from sin and cleansed from sin and redeemed from sin. Everything he did was for that purpose. 

(As a quick side note, notice the tools that are used to cleanse us and make us holy—the word of God. Yes, there’s imagery pointing to baptism but that’s not the main point. Pay close attention to the way this is worded. How is the church washed with water? WITH THE WORD. The word of God plays a massive role in freeing us from sin, cleansing us from sin, and redeeming us from sin. That’s why it must become part of our daily lives. That’s why Jesus gave every aspect of his life, so that the church would be washed by the Word of God. Let that sink in.)

Not only does Jesus give his life to cleanse the Church and make her holy, but we’re also told that he nourishes and cherishes the church. We read, “For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,” (Ephesians 5:29, ESV). Again, this is connected to Jesus’ giving himself for the church. Why did Jesus give himself for the church? So that he would nourish and cherish the church. It’s an ongoing giving of himself so that the church would be fed and nourished and cherished. It’s an ongoing giving of himself so that the church would be strengthened and built up. So, it’s more than just making the church holy, but in making the church holy, he is also nourishing and cherishing the church. Jesus gives himself to the church so that the church would be built up and strengthened and cleansed and made holy. 

Why does he do all of this? Our passage explains this as well. It says, “so that he might present the church to himself in splendor…” (Ephesians 5:27, ESV). To say this a different way, Jesus Christ gives himself for the church to nourish it, cherish it, cleanse it, and make it holy so that he can hold the church on display and say, “That’s my church. Isn’t she beautiful!!!” He does all of this so that he can proudly present the church in splendor and beauty. It’s a pretty incredible picture to think of Jesus holding up the church—his bride—and proudly saying, “Isn’t she beautiful!?! I gave my life so that she could be this beautiful!” 

Now, to bring all of this back to our marriages, this is the picture we are called to paint with our marriages. Our marriages are to reflect this beauty—the beauty of Christ’s love for the church—out into the world. That’s why our marriages are missional—they preach the gospel. That’s really the ultimate goal of our marriages, that they would repeatedly point people to Jesus’ love for the church—to the gospel. So, again, our marriages aren’t ultimately about ourselves. Our marriages aren’t ultimately about fulfilling our desires and needs. Ultimately, our marriages are about bringing the gospel to the world. 

And that must change the way we speak and love and make decisions in our marriages. Rather than asking, how can I love my spouse in a way that meets my needs, we should be asking, how can I love my spouse in a way that shows the world the love of Jesus Christ for the Church. See the difference? Rather than asking how can I speak to my spouse in a way that doesn’t cause friction, we should be asking, how can I speak to my spouse in a way that shows the world the love of Jesus Christ for the Church. This changes the focus of our marriages from being on ourselves, to being outward to the world and upward in worship to our God. I think that’s an extremely important shift that needs to happen in our marriages if we want to effectively preach the gospel to the lost world. That’s why we need to start thinking about our marriages as being missional at their core. 

I also want to take a moment to expand upon something I mentioned a long time ago that hasn’t been fully understood. I decided to wait to bring this explanation until now. WAY back at the beginning of this series, I explained how God created marriage to solve the issue of loneliness. God said it wasn’t good for man to be alone, therefore he created woman and he created marriage. I said something like, “God solved the problem of loneliness in the world by creating marriage.” Now, whenever I make that comment, I typically get some push back—especially from single people—saying something like, “Well, what about those who aren’t married? It kinda seems like they are left out to dry and will be lonely the rest of their lives.” Here’s my answer to that: Marriage solves the problem of loneliness in the life of the single person as well. I realize that may sound like an oxymoron to some, but hear me out. Marriages were designed to be fruitful, to produce people who produce people. When people produce people who produce people, they form communities. In turn, those communities solve the problem of loneliness for single people by surrounding single people with other people. Also, those communities solve bigger, broader problems like caring for the orphan, the widow, and the poor. All of this is the result of faithful, fruitful marriages. Again, this is a reminder that our marriages are not, ultimately, about us but have an outward focus to our God and our neighbor. 

And, as I’ve repeatedly said throughout this sermon, our marriages are designed to preach the gospel. We’re told that toward the end of this passage: ““Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” (Ephesians 5:31–32, ESV). After quoting the famous passage in Genesis, we’re told that this union between husband and wife—this becoming one flesh—is a profound mystery that points us to Christ and the church. That’s what it’s been about from the beginning. It’s what it’s supposed to be about now. How can you live out your marriage in the world in a way that repeatedly tells the truth about Jesus Christ and the Church? How can you love your spouse in a way that repeatedly tells the truth about Jesus Christ and the church? How can you speak to your spouse in a way that repeatedly tells the truth about Jesus Christ and the Church? How can you talk about your spouse in a way that repeatedly tells the truth about Jesus Christ and the Church? These are the types of questions we need to be asking on a regular basis because our marriages were designed and created for this purpose. They’re not about us. They’re about Christ and the Church. 

That’s why our marriages are dissolved at death and won’t exist in the resurrection. I know it bothers people to think about this reality, but Jesus said it very clearly: “For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage…” (Matthew 22:30, ESV). Why aren’t we married in the resurrection? Because our marriages were designed to point us to the union between Christ and the Church. So, when we’re in the resurrection and fully united to Jesus Christ, we no longer need anything pointing us to the reality BECAUSE we will be fully experiencing the reality for the rest of eternity. 

Isn’t that a powerful reminder? In this life, we get to taste little bits of union with Jesus Christ and little tastes of his self-giving love for us—and those tastes are beautiful and wonderful and glorious. But at the resurrection, we will be fully united to Jesus Christ—so that we are “one flesh” with him in a unique way—and will fully experience his self-giving love for the rest of eternity. We will not be living off of the small tastes of love and union, but will be dining at an everlasting banquet, drinking and eating our fill of union with Christ and His love. That’s an incredible picture we must implant deep within our souls.